Finding True North
The past few months since my last post was written has been challenging. It has been exhausting, tiring, heart breaking, soul wrenching – ok, so I ran out of adjectives, but you get the picture.
For a brief moment, I was also having a loss of direction for my site and my purpose.
Me, knowing me…when I ask myself a question, I tend to overanalyze – or as some smartly put it – paralysis by overanalysis.
Limbo
My dayjob sufferred a huge blow – the whole limbo of not knowing where to place myself in this complex maze of life. On one hand, I enjoy the perks of working with a multi national – the shadow of stability, the pristige of working for something big, the make believe promises that you want to believe is true despite knowing it all too well.
On the other, I crave for new experiances, more flexibility and getting to earn my keep. Also, I felt that what I was doing isn’t what I want to do in the long run – the gruelling hours, impractical expectations, irrational people, and of course the cap in what I do.
I was in an identity crisis of sorts.
It was a journey of finding my True North.
Trials and Tribulations
The journey was a tiresome one. I got loads of advice – some well meaning but doesn’t sound right, some costed me money, others were more of dead trails that didn’t lead to anywhere.
I knew for a fact – I enjoyed writing, personal development, marketing, great ideas, learning and smarter ways of doing the same things.
I enjoyed speaking to people, learning new things, travelling and of course encouraging people to live up to the best of their abilities. Came to a point where I wanted to work for a web publishing self development company. I was very gung ho in getting it and was really gunning for it. Heck, I even considered jumping into it even with a paycut.
I didn’t get it. More like they did not get back to me despite a great series of interviews and a decent sales copy letter.
For a while I got bitter. I felt angry at myself. I felt angry at the people who manipulated me to think that I was so close to finding the light at the end of the tunnel.
But after a while, I took a step back and reflected – would I really want to work in a place where there’s a fixed “style of writing”? Where I will be peddling dubious products – that after some good google checks lead me to reconfirm that they do not work? Would I want to be associated with these giants of self help even knowing that I would never believe in some products they sell – all for the sake of “learning the trade”?
I guess there’s always a silver lining to a cloud. Everything happens for a reason. Sure I might enjoy the perks for a while but ultimately I KNEW for a fact by choosing to join them, I am already playing small. I am already doing what I am currently doing – selling my time for money and burning my creative genius in return for a job.
The Detour
The realization that I needed to dream bigger, pursue bolder, and not just rely on one paycheque hit me hard when I saw how others who are living the life I want are pursuing.
They did not wait, aim and fired…they waited, fired and aimed.
In short – there are no perfect products or perfect situations. Its what we make out of the moments – how we find things to optimize that makes all the difference.
Sure, I may HATE my day job, but I need to find the things I need to learn for the future and do a great job with what has been handed over to me. Simply because of two reasons:
1) How you do anything – is how you do everything
If I choose to play small and do things with just 50%. It will be very likely that I will also put a 50% to anything else I am doing. What differentiates the truly great are those who manage to still do an excellent job despite doing things they do not like.
I found that when I am more conscious of life – the decisions I make – the things that happen – and knowing that my inner world would shape my outer reality – it was definitely a game changer.
2) Success is habitual
The longer I allowed myself to sink in depression and confusion, the less “success” I will see myself in. The less good I will feel. My visual will not sync with my audio. I not be living a life in complete integrity with myself. Since success is habitual, I needed to get to a habit of achieving success – small ones and start the momentum.
The Course of Action
The first step was to be completely and boldly honest with myself – this took quite a tussle. In fact, I am still working this out 
I gathered whaever I wanted to be but built an excuse to why I cannot achieve those items and find strategies on how to get it done – Whatever It Takes. Even if it means going to work late, missing sleep, etc. Its putting priorities where they count.
I started with daily workouts – the small wins accumulate to holding myself accountable and doing what I promise myself to do – NO MATTER WHAT.
Also celebrating the mini-wins worked wonders.
I guess I am glad that I had to go through the roller coaster of emotions before coming to a simple realization. Its really a realization. Until and unless you realize, advice would just be words.
I came out of it being more clear about things than when I first started out. A few ideas and new directions have appeared – I am excited over the new things that are coming up. Sure, they require some work (a lot really) but in the end, I guess if it is to secure a more sustainable lifestyle and its something I really enjoy doing – I am all for it. Whatever it takes.
Will be sharing more about the things that have been happening as and when they are done. Sure, things do not happen overnight but a good and firm foundation always has a better chance in succeeding than a weak foundation.
Till then, I promise to keep this blog more personal. Its my true north – to show myself up in this world with more sincerity and help others do the same.
Sidney Ng is a full time Urban Monk, day time banker, part time tutor / mentor, writer, idea pirate, dreamer, thinker, and visionary who is all about living a meaningful life. He writes on the side at http://www.sidneyng.com. You can follow him on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/SidneyNg
