Finally with a bit more time under my belt, I can (hopefully) moonlight as a writer again.

There’s always a free spirit within me. Restless to find home again.
Comfort seems to just hang from ledge to ledge.
Leading to deeper, darker pits in life.

As unsure as I am of crossing.
I know that for now, I still need to make my multiple leap(s) of faith.

Perhaps Lady Luck will smile on me more. Perhaps not. Its all a gamble and my bets are in..

Its great to hear people reading your posts (even when you almost never update) and saying that your post made them apply for your job.

I should blog more often. Yes, that is the statement of the year used to death almost.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy blogging and sharing my thoughts and opinions online. Its semi voyeurism on the readers part, but I guess that’s part of the thrill. Most of us are exhibitionists in our own unique way.

Some of us like to exhibit but get upset when you talk about their exhibit. Which is rather silly and defeats the purpose of exhibiting the item in the first place. It can be likened to a prostitute that wants to be paid but who just want to watch movies with you.

Anyway, back to the topic. The new Standard Chartered International Graduates for CB has arrived. All better qualified than the “rest of us” with Masters no less. I am quite excited really with all the new talent that has come to Standard Chartered. It just re-affirms the Bank’s promise of being the right place to work. Now, do I sound like HR or what?

Amusing thing was one of them read my blog as part of research to get here. I am quite flattered really.

A few things for people who are planning to join the Program for CB:

• You decide your own career path.
• You need to take your own bold initiatives to get to where you want to be.
• You will constantly need to deal with ambiguities and just “find your way” around such grey areas.
• You will need to stay strong mentally and have the courage to defy odds at times.
• You should be prepared for all the above and more as CB is an ever changing business. We live in exciting times

Sure the road is long and winding, but I think ultimately with the passion, determination and smarts; you should get there.

I feel so disorientated about life and how things are panning out. Yet, I am enjoying the ride of the various possibilities and chances that can happen.

As they say, you need to be able to work well with ambiguities. I think my life has been an ambiguity since the start.

Most things that happen to me just happened as it came along.

I never thought I was really a go-getter kind of person untill quite recently. I realized that I am my own worst critic (which can be both my worst enemy and best friend) and I have this innate competition streak that makes me push the bar further. I do admit that the past few weeks I have been letting my guard down, missing the early morning rises, not doing enough reading, and missing my gym time.

Still, I just can’t finger what are my strenghts and where / how I can put these strenghts to good use.

It does get frustrating for the most bit because I don’t feel settled. I have always been a generalist, the guy sitting on the fence alone.

I took Biotechnology, a touch and go, generalized degree. Ended up here in a Bank, doing something general and still not knowing where I stand.

Perhaps I work best being a poet or musician, since my best forms of writing comes when I am depressed. Being Leonard Cohen like figure. That would be appealing. No? Sans the zero increament and constant need to go on depression bouts and having LSD’s to gain inspiration.

Speaking of Leonard Cohen, here’s a poem written by him, A Thousand Kisses Deep. Simply beautiful piece. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

<u><b>A Thousand Kisses Deep</b></u>

<i>Don’t matter if the road is long
Don’t matter if it’s steep
Don’t matter if the moon is gone
And the darkness is complete
Don’t matter if we lose our way
It’s written that we’ll meet
At least, that’s what I heard you say
A thousand kisses deep

I loved you when you opened
Like a lily to the heat
You see, I’m just another snowman
Standing in the rain and sleet
Who loved you with his frozen love
His second hand physique
With all he is and all he was
A thousand kisses deep

I know you had to lie to me
I know you had to cheat
You learned it on your father’s knee
And at your mother’s feet
But did you have to fight your way
Across the burning street
When all our vital interests lay
A thousand kisses deep

I’m turning tricks
I’m getting fixed
I’m back on boogie street
I’d like to quit the business
But I’m in it, so to speak
The thought of you is peaceful
And the file on you complete
Except what I forgot to do
A thousand kisses deep

Don’t matter if you’re rich and strong
Don’t matter if you’re weak
Don’t matter if you write a song
The nightingales repeat
Don’t matter if it’s nine to five
Or timeless and unique
You ditch your life to stay alive
A thousand kisses deep

The ponies run
The girls are young
The odds are there to beat
You win a while, and then it’s done
Your little winning streak
And summon now to deal with your invincible defeat
You live your life as if it’s real
A thousand kisses deep

I hear their voices in the wine
That sometimes did me seek
The band is playing Auld Lang Syne
But the heart will not retreat
There’s no forsaking what you love
No existential leap
As witnessed here in time and blood
A thousand kisses deep</i>

Its one  of those nights where you find it hard to sleep.

Its just one of those nights where its not too hot, yet not too cold,

But one just can’t find shelter in sleep.
Just like the line in Battlestar Galaticca, “I can’t get no relief”

The worst part is that a lot is required from me tommorow,

I have an amateur movie to shoot. Not sure how that will turn out.
I have a mass farewell (for myself and most of my other colleagues) who will be either posted to different parts of the Bank or finding greener pastures elsewhere.

Relief.

Satisfaction.

Stability.

We crave the comforts of the certain. We just want to sweep most things under the carpet rather than taking things by their horns.

I take a somewhat different approach. I am game in trying out virtually anything as long as I don’t overindulge.
I think self discipline is the first backbone in succeeding in life – either spiritually, academically or materially.

My argument being simple,
If you lack self discipline and self constraint, you will lack control over your behaviour and will not be “riding on the waves of life” and avoiding as much misery as possible.
By being self disciplined, you will take your time to study and do well in your exams.
Finally if you believe in delayed gratification and are able to control your buying urges, it will save you lots of money (in interest) when you buy something in cash and not via credit.

Of course, you can argue about certain necessary evils and 0% flexi payment schemes (which I am incidently a fan of, regretfully). Still, these are just rare cases. For the most bit, I believe if one were to be responsible and know fully what are they getting themselves into to make an informed and educated decision.

The breeze is blowing.

Its 3.23am.

I am not sure how I am going to function at work tommorow.

I finally got a camera.

The Malaysian MegaSale is on. Discounts of up to 70% was promised. For other items of lesser importance / value and use anyhow.

I got myself a Canon Powershot A2100IS,

I haven’t gotten around playing with it. I just felt it was time to get a camera. It was quite random really.

When I saw the camera on sale earlier last month, I just told myself that I should consider getting myself one. Little did I know I would end up buying it TODAY.

The general reviews seem to say its good. Reviews found here and here.

Early outlook and expectations:

• I would say that its relatively easy to use
• Takes clear pictures, better than the camera at home at least.
• Is a dummy proof camera
• A bit on the bulky end, looking back spending another 20USD would have gotten me a Ixus 100Is.
• I gotten it for a steal price…RM750, thats roughly 214UD
• Takes decent movies…and NO HIGH DEFINITION.
• Am quite happy with it – 12 Megapixels and 6X optical zoom, should keep me occupied for a few years (I hope)

All in all, I am quite satisfied with my purchase, I hope that with the camera, I can make this blog more picture-istic and less word-ish.

I can also take pics for Toastmasters KL meetings being the Vice President of Public Relations and the upcoming Writers Bloc Great Reunion.

Yes, folks, we will have pictures this time!

Yes, I am liberated from non internet life.

Which means I can spend more time updating this dead blog and perhaps even get some people to actually read it and follow it as religiously as I follow Battlestar Galattica.

I just finnished Season 3 on Sunday. It was a fulfilling run. Each season keeps getting better than the previous.

Peeling even more deeply to the thought provoking questions on what makes us human and why do we even deserve a 2nd chance? What is redemption and is always forgiveness no matter how much we have sinned?

I will perhaps do a write up on various episodes and what I think. Some of the episodes touch on metaphysics (another favourite pass time of mine) and politics.

I have also started work on my TMIKL blog. Go visit and you can tell which posts are mine

http://tmikl.blogspot.com

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Its a question I ask myself quite often…

Didn’t do quite a good job in updating this blog as often as I should. But I guess its because I lost my passion and have become a mindless corporate drone. Jaded.

Karen was right when she said that once money becomes your main motivation, everything is lost.

I hope to turn over a new leaf and try to remember my dreams before finding what fuels my dream.

I certainly hope I know what I am doing.

Sometimes I feel like I have lived this life before and I am merely re-living it and remembering it as I go along.

Perhaps that explains a lot of awkward moments since it would mean I don’t really belong in this time and I am just a passing stranger. Its funny really that even so, I still can’t cheat the system and get what I want.

The sands of time pass by and yet I am eternal.

Imperishable like the grainds of sand.

I may disolve away with the clouds but a fragment of me will still remain…everlasting.

I guess being eternal doesn’t necessarily mean just being physically eternal. It also brings me to doubt some decisions I made.

It even brings me to question free will since pre-destiny and things being “written”.

Memories plague my living daylights. It can be confusing at times. Coping with the fragility of it all. Coping with the conditions and results of either over-remembering or just dissapearing with the clouds.

If I do remain as a memory, I hope you will remember me as how I have remembered you and will remember you.

Forever.

Eternally.

Sealed with a kiss.

I usually don’t believe in new year’s resolution. So I guess I will try something new this year. I will just list out 10 Things that I need to do more or prioritize this year and work my way to consciously achieving it. Items will be bolded.

Perhaps after doing these 10 things, I can move on to another 10 and so on.

Timelines, I hope to achieve at least 5 of these things as part of my daily routine BY June 2009! Having Measurable Deliverables also ensures that I will be on track and will always have the end of goal in mind.

1. I been updating more on Facebook and been neglecting this eventhough I ALREADY paid for HOSTING for www.sidneyng.com.

I will start to pay more attention to this blog and write more online. 1 post a week perhaps?

Measurable Deliverables:  More posts.

2. I should take better care of myself by eating better food, drinking enough water and exercising regularly. I mean, EVERYONE is guilty of this one.

I will start going to the gym at least TWICE a week and go for my personal training at least once a fortnight. Drink loads of water and have 5 small meals a day.

Measurable Deliverables: Firmer and toner body. Broader chests and less flab. Better body shape.

3.  Since my new job, I noticed that I have been very much less in touch with myself. I have been “hanging around with myself” for the past few days consciously and do not quite like myself.

I will allocate some time to myself DAILY to pray, meditate, reflect and unwind. This will bring inner peace and allow me to “psych” myself to be a better individual.

Measurable Deliverables: Having a daily prayer / meditation routine.

4.  I will to improve my personality (like seriously), perhaps be more charismatic and have more character depth.  Being more interesting and being more “social-ble”.

Measurable Deliverables: Erm…not scaring people I meet? Improving the “Sidney Ng Experiance”. Haha.

5.  I will increase my business knowledge and current affairs knowledge by spending more time reading and less time having crazy thoughts. I will allocate at least 3 hours a week reading.

Measurable Deliverables: Able to contribute “constructively and positively” to business related conversations / conversations with elder folks. You know what I mean.

6. I need to create meaning in my life and the life of others whom I touch as life is short.

Measurable Deliverables: Having a group of friends who I can rely on and ensuring that they enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs.

 

7. I want to expand my horizons and be more open with life, the world and see the world with a new zest.

Measurable Deliverables: To travel overseas by end of the year. Meanwhile to take a vacation to Malaysia’s scenic beaches and have my “much deserved rest”

8. To have managable expenses and control my spending.

Dues. Dues. Dues. This SHOULD be resolved by August this year. Then I will proceed to save at least 20% of my salary.

Measurable Deliverables: To have a tidy sum of “spare cash” by December 2009.

9.  I need to “know myself” and discover my strenghts, weaknesses, and interests. This is vital for my career growth and knowing where I can fit in best.

Measurable Deliverables: Knowing what I should be applying for after my 2 year stint?

10. To have a little more fun and take myself and life less seriously. I find that I am too uptight and tense. Its just me. But I think I need to improve that part of me. This ties up with having a great personality.

As they say, if you take yourself too seriously, nobody will take you seriously.

Measurable Deliverables: To stop and smell the roses every day and to be more thankful for whatever I have and be grateful for whatever that will be coming in the future.

If you are reading this, make your own list…and who knows, this year might be the best year that you ever had!

Make 2009 count!