Its a question I ask myself quite often…

Didn’t do quite a good job in updating this blog as often as I should. But I guess its because I lost my passion and have become a mindless corporate drone. Jaded.

Karen was right when she said that once money becomes your main motivation, everything is lost.

I hope to turn over a new leaf and try to remember my dreams before finding what fuels my dream.

I certainly hope I know what I am doing.

Sometimes I feel like I have lived this life before and I am merely re-living it and remembering it as I go along.

Perhaps that explains a lot of awkward moments since it would mean I don’t really belong in this time and I am just a passing stranger. Its funny really that even so, I still can’t cheat the system and get what I want.

The sands of time pass by and yet I am eternal.

Imperishable like the grainds of sand.

I may disolve away with the clouds but a fragment of me will still remain…everlasting.

I guess being eternal doesn’t necessarily mean just being physically eternal. It also brings me to doubt some decisions I made.

It even brings me to question free will since pre-destiny and things being “written”.

Memories plague my living daylights. It can be confusing at times. Coping with the fragility of it all. Coping with the conditions and results of either over-remembering or just dissapearing with the clouds.

If I do remain as a memory, I hope you will remember me as how I have remembered you and will remember you.

Forever.

Eternally.

Sealed with a kiss.

I usually don’t believe in new year’s resolution. So I guess I will try something new this year. I will just list out 10 Things that I need to do more or prioritize this year and work my way to consciously achieving it. Items will be bolded.

Perhaps after doing these 10 things, I can move on to another 10 and so on.

Timelines, I hope to achieve at least 5 of these things as part of my daily routine BY June 2009! Having Measurable Deliverables also ensures that I will be on track and will always have the end of goal in mind.

1. I been updating more on Facebook and been neglecting this eventhough I ALREADY paid for HOSTING for www.sidneyng.com.

I will start to pay more attention to this blog and write more online. 1 post a week perhaps?

Measurable Deliverables:  More posts.

2. I should take better care of myself by eating better food, drinking enough water and exercising regularly. I mean, EVERYONE is guilty of this one.

I will start going to the gym at least TWICE a week and go for my personal training at least once a fortnight. Drink loads of water and have 5 small meals a day.

Measurable Deliverables: Firmer and toner body. Broader chests and less flab. Better body shape.

3.  Since my new job, I noticed that I have been very much less in touch with myself. I have been “hanging around with myself” for the past few days consciously and do not quite like myself.

I will allocate some time to myself DAILY to pray, meditate, reflect and unwind. This will bring inner peace and allow me to “psych” myself to be a better individual.

Measurable Deliverables: Having a daily prayer / meditation routine.

4.  I will to improve my personality (like seriously), perhaps be more charismatic and have more character depth.  Being more interesting and being more “social-ble”.

Measurable Deliverables: Erm…not scaring people I meet? Improving the “Sidney Ng Experiance”. Haha.

5.  I will increase my business knowledge and current affairs knowledge by spending more time reading and less time having crazy thoughts. I will allocate at least 3 hours a week reading.

Measurable Deliverables: Able to contribute “constructively and positively” to business related conversations / conversations with elder folks. You know what I mean.

6. I need to create meaning in my life and the life of others whom I touch as life is short.

Measurable Deliverables: Having a group of friends who I can rely on and ensuring that they enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs.

 

7. I want to expand my horizons and be more open with life, the world and see the world with a new zest.

Measurable Deliverables: To travel overseas by end of the year. Meanwhile to take a vacation to Malaysia’s scenic beaches and have my “much deserved rest”

8. To have managable expenses and control my spending.

Dues. Dues. Dues. This SHOULD be resolved by August this year. Then I will proceed to save at least 20% of my salary.

Measurable Deliverables: To have a tidy sum of “spare cash” by December 2009.

9.  I need to “know myself” and discover my strenghts, weaknesses, and interests. This is vital for my career growth and knowing where I can fit in best.

Measurable Deliverables: Knowing what I should be applying for after my 2 year stint?

10. To have a little more fun and take myself and life less seriously. I find that I am too uptight and tense. Its just me. But I think I need to improve that part of me. This ties up with having a great personality.

As they say, if you take yourself too seriously, nobody will take you seriously.

Measurable Deliverables: To stop and smell the roses every day and to be more thankful for whatever I have and be grateful for whatever that will be coming in the future.

If you are reading this, make your own list…and who knows, this year might be the best year that you ever had!

Make 2009 count!

I bet most of you thought that this will be another abandoned project.

Partially true. And yes, Johan. I did realize.

Its been quite a busy journey for me since I started here in Standard Chartered. I was away for the International Induction Program where I met other fellow International Graduates. It was really fun to meet people from differnt parts of the world and understanding their cultures, etc.

Then, I went to Singapore for an Academic Programme and stayed in Fairmont Hotel, Raffles Place. It was a wonderful experiance being in a 5 star hotel. Some learning and fun later, I am back to KL and am currently attached to Mortgages.

The last few weeks was spent learning about Mortgages, assisting the various parts of Mortgage and just doing my best to lead a good life. I go to the gym at least once a week for two sessions. I will be increasing this to two to three days in next following weeks. Get in great shape and lead a good life.

I always wanted to do this. I finally got the chance.

I have finally taken up the offer to be an International Graduate with Standard Chartered Bank. Its been 3 weeks since I left my previous organization. There are many reasons why I left but it was mainly due to opportunity.  I can say that I do not regret the new exposure. I am always one who loves to learn and progress. I think the Bank is an excellent platform, I have been attending the induction and it has been great. I will be in Consumer Banking, yes in people banking, my cup of tea.

Back to where I used to work, sure, there were many bitter moments but there were also certainly the best of times that I would miss.

I will be dedicating this post to all the things I will be missing and the highlights in my short career stint in sustainability and the agriculture business.

I will definitely be missing the great people who colour my life there. The various friendly / helpful / odd (??) General Managers Managers, Assistants, Agronomists, Safety and Health Exec / Officer, Staff, Workers who all had interesting things to share with me. The various lessons learnt, may it be on how to lead, how to manage people, how to appreaciate people, to technical knowledge on oil palm, safety and health, legal requirements, etc. Its always a high point whenever I meet people in general who are willing to go the extra mile to make a difference. I believe that is what being a leader is all about. Making positive differences. Starting a wave of change. Breaking the mode of indifference. Including each and everyone in the process as everyone always has a share to contribute. I always believe in investing in the “little people”, the “little voices” as I know how is it like to be left out. Having been left out before and fighting my way to be recognized, I always look out for humble people and will never forget my roots. Strong roots make for a strong tree.

I will also miss the “heritage bungalows” that we used to stay in. Yes, it wasn’t much of a place to stay with cockroaches running about (refer to my old post), but it was certainly rustic in its own way. And I must say that starting a career living a bungalow is really quite cool. I was quite fortunate to have bungalows with sufficient water and electricity so far. I remembered the last time I had to stay in a staff quarters during my Industrial Training, most of the time there was no water and I had to take water from the Emergency Shower.

Of course, Estate living was also quite interesting in a mundane sense. Getting to know the workers, what motivated them, reminding them of their purpose in life and perhaps making their days better and more toleratable in a foreign land such as ours. Its really a ripple effect to me. When people are happy to work for you, they give their best. Of course there is a need to draw the line, but I always believed in creating a positive work environment.

The friendly and warm hospitality of the Estates in most places were also a highlight. It was really nice to see how much effort is put up for us even with the scarce resources that they had. With that, I am truly touched.

Meeting nice Managers has also been one of the best points of my careers. I think the best ones are the ones who are willing to listen, accept change, and who are proactive to making things happen. I will take all these lessons and apply them to what I currently do.

I will also be missing the wonderful individuals within the industry, the various networks that I have made has made quite an impact and I am happy for it. When news spread that I was leaving the industry, there were some “captains” of the industry that called me to talk me out of it. It was certainly a kind gesture but I decided to take on the new role head on and learn some good working habbits along the way.

I will miss working with so many wonderful people. Of course there were people who gave me a hard time, peers and management units alike. But I believe these people has given me great lessons on how to deal with difficult individuals and reiterating the fact that can’t seem to fit in my head that “you just can’t please everyone”. I always believe there is a compromise that can be made. But sometimes people just don’t gel with you. Its just who they are I guess.

I will miss MALACCA. Yes, its my 2nd home. They have almost everything from semi free food to beaches to spa’s to tourists spots to nice shopping malls to Karate lessons to the Malacca Toastmasters. It was certainly fun. I just didn’t like driving so much (more of the fuel rather than the excellent scenery on the way and driving itself) there as it takes about an hour plus one way.

I look forward to new challenges and a steep learning curve in this new job. I have been so very fortunate to be able to get to where I am. I come from blatantly different background, minimal experiance, and almost no inkling to what banking is all about. I hope the last year and a half has brought a positive change within the people I have met so far. Thanks for the advice, support, encouragement and just ‘being there’, will definitely remember all of you. If you do know me, please do keep in touch.

I found the story below very inspiring. Really. I think many of us fall into the same trap of pushing away angels in our lives. I hope you enjoy the story:

The beggar and the monk

A monk was meditating in the desert when a beggar came up to him and said:

“I need to eat”.

The monk – who was almost reaching the point of perfect harmony with the spiritual world – did not answer.

“I need to eat”, insisted the beggar.

“Go to the town and ask someone else. Can’t you see that you are bothering me? I am trying to communicate with the angels”.

“God placed himself lower than men, washed their feet, gave His life, and no-one recognized Him”, the beggar replied. “He who says he loves God – who does not see – and forgets his brother – who does – is lying”.

And the beggar turned into an angel.

“What a pity, you almost made it”, he remarked before leaving.

Life has been quite empty these few weeks. Not quite. As much as I would like to pour out what has been going on these past few weeks, I think an open blog is not the source.

Anyway, I think most of you people who knows me quite well or who has been in touch with me would know what I am talking about. I guess I finally found my weakness, I tend to like things to go fast fast fast. The wait sometimes keeps me anxiously uncomfortable. Perhaps you can add “drama king” to the mix. But I guess its all part and parcel of surviving.

Even if many a times I sulk over stuff, I have a redeeming quality of bouncing back quite fast with a bang. I have an in-built never say die, fight to the bloody end mentality that I think gives me the edge over most other people. I think its pure will to succeed and pure ambition that has been keeping me doing what I have been doing. Chasing opportunities like how Alice chases the rabbit down the rabbit hole. It keeps me in line even when I am being faced with stiff office politics, power plays and other “not what you would expect after you are done with school” stuff.

At times this quality is good and at other times, its rather annoying if I should say so myself. I am trying to be more self conscious about all this and improving myself as I go along. I did anyway “managed anger” when I was younger. Well, very soon I will be let loose in a world of raving beasts hungry to outbeat, outlive and outlast. Unfortunately or fortunately I still have much of my conscience intact.

I wonder if the room still has room for conscience in crazy times like these.

So now to justify the period of silence.

I was actually admitted to Pantai Ayer Keroh Medical Centre about 2 weeks ago. I was suffering from severe stomach pains for 3 days with the pain still lingering and festering. It gets worst at 5pm where the pain would reach a climix. Honestly, I got worried after Day 2. It was suspected appendicitis but then the Surgeon said it was more of colic. I was duly given a few days MC after being warded for observation and ultrasound and X-ray exams. I enjoyed being pushed on a wheelchair the most. I wonder if anyone else would do that for me in the future. Hint. Hint.

With MC in hand and the pain still intact, I decided to go for a second opinion who diagnosed it as intestine infection + gastritis + indigestion. 3 in 1. With a heavy heart I paid for the consultation and took a loadful of medicine. It got better thankfully.

Those days were also days of peace where I just got to do what I like doing best. Laze. Haha. Actually I managed to bag more time to reading. Its just one of those things I really enjoy. Put me in a bookshop and I can get lost in the maze of books. From Non Fiction to Fiction, the various topics of interests from Self Help to Cookery interests me. Transports me to different perspectives and dimensions.

Which explains why I like to just hang around online revisiting my childhood memories of TV shows, movies, and other items of interest. Basically living my adult life like a 2nd childhood.

If you are curious, am currently a lot more better. Am still recovering with soft baby food kinda meals (like porriage and other soupy stuff). But I do still ponteng when I feel like taking something else. Bad, I know. But to my defence, it ONLY happened ONCE.

I might face quite a tough decision in a few weeks time. Just keep your fingers crossed and prayers with me to overcome my “calamity” of sorts.

The Dark Knight premiers tommorow. I am really excited. It should be good, with Christopher Nolan. He can do no wrong. I have quite a day ahead tommorow and the day after. Busy indeed. Hope everything goes by like clockwork.

I realized its been quite quiet…actually very quiet here. I have been ill among many misadventures for the past few weeks. So please excuse my silence. These few days meeting up with my friends and exchanging stories, the same core element of virtues seem to be the main theme.

We all talk about being somebody in life, earning a good paycheque, having a rewarding career, having a good family, etc. but how many of us actually realize about living well? I mean its not wrong to be higly ambitious and to choose a life to pursue these dreams but it would be wrong to make it your sole priority. I discovered this the hard way, by falling ill and realizing that pain is something that people can just sympathize with you but not something the people will ever understand. In fact, I think I admire those people in hospitals who have been putting up with the extreme pain and yet still go on in life.

But I digress.

Living well should be our priority. Loving God and doing our best to ensure that there is still purity and goodness in this day and age. Because ultimately when we die, people rarely say how rich or how poor we are. The people who would truly miss us and who are truly grateful for our existence would be the people whom we have helped, the lives whom we have touched and our virtues and respect would preservere. I think that is paramount to our existence. That builds our legacy.

Fortunes are made and lost overnight but a legacy of respect, trust, and integrity lasts for a lifetime.

I think the orbituary below (courtesy of Robin Sharma’s Blog) describes about the things that matters that count in life. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

DECLARATIONS

By PEGGY NOONAN

A Life’s Lesson
June 20, 2008; Page A9

When somebody dies, we tell his story and try to define and isolate what was special about it—what it was he brought to the party, how he enhanced life by showing up. In this way we educate ourselves about what really matters. Or, often, re-educate ourselves, for “man needs more to be reminded than instructed.”

I understand why some think that the media coverage surrounding Tim Russert’s death was excessive—truly, it was unprecedented—but it doesn’t seem to me a persuasive indictment, if only because what was said was so valuable.

The beautiful thing about the coverage was that it offered extremely important information to those age 15 or 25 or 30 who may not have been told how to operate in the world beyond “Go succeed.” I’m not sure we tell the young as much as we ought, as clearly as we ought, what it is the world admires, and what it is they want to emulate.

In a way, the world is a great liar. It shows you it worships and admires money, but at the end of the day it doesn’t. It says it adores fame and celebrity, but it doesn’t, not really. The world admires, and wants to hold on to, and not lose, goodness. It admires virtue. At the end it gives its greatest tributes to generosity, honesty, courage, mercy, talents well used, talents that, brought into the world, make it better. That’s what it really admires. That’s what we talk about in eulogies, because that’s what’s important. We don’t say, “The thing about Joe was he was rich.” We say, if we can, “The thing about Joe was he took care of people.”

The young are told, “Be true to yourself.” But so many of them have no idea, really, what that means. If they don’t know who they are, what are they being true to? They’re told, “The key is to hold firm to your ideals.” But what if no one bothered, really, to teach them ideals?

After Tim’s death, the entire television media for four days told you the keys to a life well lived, the things you actually need to live life well, and without which it won’t be good. Among them: taking care of those you love and letting them know they’re loved, which involves self-sacrifice; holding firm to God, to your religious faith, no matter how high you rise or low you fall. This involves guts, and self-discipline, and active attention to developing and refining a conscience to whose promptings you can respond. Honoring your calling or profession by trying to do within it honorable work, which takes hard effort, and a willingness to master the ethics of your field. And enjoying life. This can be hard in America, where sometimes people are rather grim in their determination to get and to have. “Enjoy life, it’s ungrateful not to,” said Ronald Reagan.

Tim had these virtues. They were great to see. By defining them and celebrating them the past few days, the media encouraged them. This was a public service, and also what you might call Tim’s parting gift.

I’d add it’s not only the young, but the older and the old, who were given a few things to think about. When Tim’s friends started to come forward last Friday to speak on the air of his excellence, they were honestly grieving. They felt loss. So did people who’d never met him. Question: When you die, are people in your profession going to feel like this? Why not? What can you do better? When you leave, are your customers—in Tim’s case it was five million every Sunday morning, in your case it may be the people who come into the shop, or into your office—going to react like this? Why not?

* * *

These few days my IM could not open for some weird reason. Today, alas it sprung back to life after Internet connection went dead for almost 1 whole day. Yes, life in the village. In the village where convenience is something where you have to pay extra for.

Anyway, I do feel that I would miss my village life. Despite the meager salary and being away from people whom I know; I think the village life is ideal. Its slow, quiet, and there’s always a thing or two about the interesting, unasuming folk here. From being really careless motorcyclist to the number of small town gossip that can accumulate from 1 month being away from here.

Don’t get me wrong, Gemencheh is really a nice place. We have almost everything we need. A pasar malam, a  wet market, banks, food stalls, Sunday market, petrol kiosks, a line full of mechanics, clinics, hospitals, etc. Everything is within reach. Almost. Nice hollow where its quiet most of the time where crime is almost frowned at. Its also about an hour away from Malacca and two to three hours away from Kuala Lumpur city centre (dependent of the jam).

Anyway, I am on a 5 day fruit fast where I just consume fruits and water. I feel that this is truly a time of peace. A time where I can truly have time on my own. A time where I feel less bothered of things happening around me. I think its in a blissful state like this can one appreaciate town living as opposed to city life. Simply because its just calm like the waves. There are no “surprises” and the hustle and bustle only lasts for a few minutes. By 9 pm, its all quiet. To a normal city dweller, this might sound like suicide but it grows on you. The stillness of the night save for the few passing vehicles. It brings a certain tranquil feeling, almost like the clashes of the waves.

I was just thinking about the ideal life that I would love to lead on the way back from work earlier.

This has been in my thoughts for a bit but I just felt that I should share it to all of you here.

An ideal life for me would be to have an apartment along Klebang beach. I am currently eyeing Klebang 8 Delima Condominium at Klebang Malacca. Staying by the beach with the sounds of the rustling waves. Having a swimming pool downstairs, a gym, 24 hours internet access, centralized Astro, and 24 hour security guards is ideal. Whats more, Klebang is about 5 km away from Malacca town, just a motor / bicycle ride away. It is not exactly in town or away from town. Malacca is just a town I grew to love. It feels so much like home. With the rustic buildings and the malls that makes me feel like I am in a miniature KL where things are moving my way, it just “feels right”. Its hard to describe the magic you feel in Malacca. Perhaps its just me. Perhaps its because of the scenic views, good free food and the great feeling of being somewhere where you don’t feel like a stranger.

Living in Klebang can be a weekend hideout or it can be a daily thing, the whole idea of living by the beach has always been with me since I was a kid. When I came to Malacca, it was as if my dreams have come true. I always loved the beach breeze and sounds of the waves. Magical.

I would love a job which is flexible yet pays the bills and affords me trips to different parts of the world. I am thinking consultancy of some sort, an author, a yoga instructor, a chain store boss, or just a professional international con artist vagabond with a heart of adventure. I think I am too free spirited to be too tied down to a normal job. I always knew I need a job with variety and lots of leg stretching yet I knew that I am not quite a sales person as I don’t believe in marketing in products I do not believe. Perhaps when I have a product of my own that I can vouch for, I might be able to market it.

I would start my day with my daily inner work and jog along the beach at 5 a.m. Followed by a workout routine in the gym downstairs before cooling off with fruit juices and some cereal perhaps. By 6.30 a.m, I would take my bath, do my prayers and meditation get ready for work. By 5 p.m, I hope to finish my work (and having a job which focuses on work-life balance, allow me to take off by 5.10 p.m) and head for the dojo for Karate lessons. Lesson will end about 7 p.m. Just in time for free vegetarian dinner in Malacca town. I will go back to my condo to either surf the web or watch Astro. I will do some light reading and prayers before retiring in for the next morning.

The occasional Toastmasters meeting in Semabok will provide a good distraction away from life and will keep my mind sharp at the same time develop my speechcraft skills. Fridays would be the day I go for movies in Mahkota Parade and perhaps drop by one of the pubs for some fun. Fridays would also be the day where my good friends from KL can drop by for the weekend and share my little piece of heaven with me. Maybe someday Karen would appreaciate Malacca for the unique place that it is and decide to move in and settle in. I can go to Jonker and the Jetty for a walk before retreating back to my nice cozy condo in Klebang for the weekend.

Weekends can be either in cozy, quiet Klebang condo where I just watch the waves and count girls passing by while listening to bossa nova, jazz, chill out music, beach music, house, take your pick. I just take walks around the beach to watch the sunset and chill around to watch the sunrise. Walking in the beach at night is also nice, seeing waves settle in to greet the moonlight and moon shining so brightly on the velvet skies. I can also take a slow drive to Malacca and just watch the old shops open. Take my time to just see old items, perhaps buy an item or two to decorate my loft. Then I would make my way around town and discover tiny pockets of lesser known food outlets and have a bite there. I can also go to cafe’s by the sea and have tea while I meet random tourists and talk about our shared journeys and travels, swap travel tales, take photographs, exchange pleasantries, and just perhaps be a little more cultured in a unique way. If I am lucky, get a contact for my next trip abroad.
I can also take a bus ride to KL and meet my friends and hang out for as long as I want to. Staying in a 5 star establishment for the weekend.
I can also play host to my friends by taking them around Malacca and just chilling with them. From having nice sumptious meals in 5 star restaurants to road side culinary delights to tease our taste buds.
I can also take a flight to Langkawi, Penang, Tioman or any part of the country to chill out in the various locations in 5 star comfort, take some shots, go fishing, try out the local cuisine, try out various activities like scuba diving, go kart racing, jungle trekking, etc.

Once a month, I can indulge in a spa session to just melt my worries away and keep a good blood circulation and keep my libido in check. Three months once, I can go on fasts, food or fruit fasts. Every six months, I would like to go to different parts of the world to see the world and its cultures and to meet up with friends from different countries, near and far.

I guess with the life I just described, its as close to what I can get to ideal at this point of time. The vivid images of leading a purposeful life with meaning. It just makes me want to reach out for more each time.

I have a few action plans at the moment to reach to that. But they all still seem quite far out of reach at the moment. I think the main factor is getting the “ideal” job that balances it all at the same time be situated in Malacca or close to Malacca. The other more sensible approach will be to start a business in the area. Even that, I am still unsure of what and a bit sceptical of my current lofty ideas.

I don’t ask to be a millionaire (although having that tidy sum would be more than welcomed, those interested, please email me to donate it to me), I just ask to have a balanced, comfortable life, doing the things that really matter in my life with the people I care about. I think ultimately that is what happiness can be summed as. I kept thinking about the theme about being happy. What is being happy?

What is happiness? Is it about others around you? But wouldn’t that mean that if one is alone, happiness is impossible?

What is contentment? Is it about having enough? Wouldn’t that lead to being too complacent being in the comfort zone?

I still seek these answers as they still elude me. Each time I probe further, its like an onion peel, there are many layers to it, some are fine yet they are more complex than they some, others might be thick but they can sting to the very core.

Thus, here I am in this highway I called life seeking for answers and the path to a balanced, fulfilled, meaningful and purposeful life.